I thought I’d better put a disclaimer at the beginning of my post so that once you start reading you don’t think I’m a ‘weight hater’.
Disclaimer: I am not biased against overweight people, having myself been immensely overweight in previous years. The insults written below were given only to prod a woman who for almost 7 years has been a source of torment and anguish.
Today I finally had the courage to experiment with honesty. After being insulted for the umpteenth time by ‘Morticia The Mad’ I responded with the following words:
‘I am tired of your ugliness. You are bitter, rude and morbidly obese. I am deathly sick of your insults especially considering how fat and nasty you yourself are. You are the last person on earth that should point fingers at others.’
At this point she became hysterical and started yelling again that I was old and ugly (her repertoire is vicious but fortunately limited) and just as her shrieks reached Banshee volume I pulled out the very best of my inner brat and walked away laughing and singing ‘Fatty, Fatty, Fatty!’
Very mature I know, but breakthrough is breakthrough!
Now I am a smartass – that’s a given, but it is only under extreme duress that you will hear me directly and sincerely insult someone. I loathe hurting people and have always suffered from a desperate need to people please combined with an overwhelming empathy for others’ pain – even the horrid ones!
Being truly nasty is not my best sport.
Even in anger I generally say exactly what I feel and seldom elaborate – (unless of course I’m having a PMT moment in which case my opinion is liberally slathered with hysteria).
Apart from that I find it almost impossible to say something horrid just because I can.
So what is the point of this story?
Freedom from not only the need to please, but the desire to do so.
For years this woman has verbally harmed me, for years I’ve attempted to stand up for myself, and for years I’ve always taken the blame and run back and apologised, blaming it on PMT, tiredness etc.
I had zero backbone. When I dared to stand up to her she would attack with gusto, then she would isolate me by pulling other colleagues into the battle and playing the victim. And there I would stand alone and hated while they gossiped about me, until I eventually capitulated and apologised.
So what changed? and how?
I knew I didn’t like her, but yet I couldn’t seem to stop endearing myself to her – until last week.
I was upstairs setting up the restaurant and listening to her bad mouth someone else when I felt a ‘settling’. The truth had finally moved from my mind to my heart. This woman was toxic. I didn’t like her, I never had. I didn’t want to be her friend.
I no longer wanted her to like me.
The thought of ensuring she hated me made me happy!!!!!!! Huh? What?
I was thrilled with a sense of freedom. I though about confronting her when next she insulted me – I knew it would be soon. I thought of the staff who would turn their backs on me while she laughed and spewed out her nastiness and my heart skipped a beat – of joy !!!
YES PLEASE, THAT’S FANTASTIC! THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!
It was at that moment of madness that I finally accepted what I knew to be true. I really was worthy of love and more than that – my world was filled with evidence of it!
It took years for me to be able to say that I actually liked who I was, but thinking of all the people who had come into my life, I realised that others did too! The people in my circle of love would never dream of speaking to me like that and I would never harm them either, so why, for the love of Pete, was I accepting such behaviour from a woman I didn’t even like?
The longest journey in the world is the 10 inches from your head to your heart. We all carry so much truth hidden within ourselves, but so often we don’t give it wings. It’s so easy to believe the bad stuff about ourselves and our unworthiness and it’s frightening to stand up to a bully.
The worst bully you’re ever going to meet is yourself!
No one else on the planet truly has the power to steal your lunch money like you do. You will bloody your own nose by ignoring your beauty and talent, you will trip yourself up by forcing yourself to accept things that aren’t true, you’ll scrape your knees bending to those that taunt you, you’ll whisper wicked lies to yourself as you hide from that new relationship, career or adventure.
I am not perfect, but I am perfectly me!
If you’re going to suffer by pretending to be someone else then rather suffer by being yourself. Yes the bullies will isolate you. Yes the nasty’s will make you feel bad, but it will only be until they pay attention to the solid wall of faith that’s suddenly blocking their path.
If you want to be free of negative behaviour then first conquer the bully within, once that’s done the one’s on the outside will eventually bite the dirt.
Now there are some that might say to speak gently but firmly to your inner bully, and that’s fine. As for me I am halfway through my forties and my inner bully has tormented me for decades – it’s now my turn.
So now when it rears its morbid head I fully intend to punch it in the face!
Believe what you know. Don’t fight the fear, keep going despite it. Bravery doesn’t necessarily require a calm heart, just a determined one.
It would be nice to think that bullies can be reasoned with, unfortunately they can’t, if they could they probably wouldn’t be bullies in the first place. With that in mind, determine what you know to be true about yourself and stop engaging them on rational levels. They will tie you up in knots and leave you hurt and bewildered.
Learn to say no – a lot! Keep your answers short and decisive.
And above all allow yourself the liberty of a little self respect. Allow yourself to enjoy yourself.
And when you meet your version of ‘Morticia the Mad’ – stand firm!
Refuse to engage them (unless you’re itching for a little spat as I was) – bullies cannot exist without your participation and agreement. Stop waiting for them to change – and rather allow yourself to change.
In my world I have ‘Morticia the Mad’ on the outside and ‘Bethly Grimm’ on the inside and from now on they’re both going to get their asses handed to them if they attempt to stand in the way of my joy.
And I can live with that!