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Monthly Archives: August 2013

Yep! There are Two of Me……….

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I have been attempting to find myself – literally!

I applied for an unabridged birth certificate a few months ago and after numerous phone calls between myself and home affairs it was discovered that I was never registered under my ‘after adoption name’ and they suggested I fill in a late registration form.

Are you kidding me!!!!

I’d rather sell my soul to Jabba The Hut before I’d purposefully enter forms that would further alienate me from my heritage.

So it was back to the drawing board. I had attempted to get information on my adoption from the government agency for probably the better part of 15 years….phoned, faxed, emailed – nothing. (The home I was adopted from had closed and all the paperwork had been sent to Pretoria). I Never heard back from a live person, not once. But as the Universe is an often unpredictable beast, I decided to try one more time. I picked up the phone and got through immediately. The following morning I had emailed my request for my adoption file and the day after that, before 8am, my adoption file was in my inbox.

I had to tell the angels to shut the hell up as their laughter and glee were ruining my morning oaties!

Now I knew most of what was in the file, but seeing it in black and white was still very distressing. There were funny parts, i.e. a finally had a birth certificate, but it was for the ‘other me’, the one before adoption. It was sad, I saw my mother’s handwriting in her signature for the first time, and it was shocking, very shocking – I discovered that my biological father had known about me!

It said that he had been contacted and refused to help. And there, in black and white, could most likely have been the reason for my adoption. From what I could see, my mother had kept me for about a month or 2 before I went into foster care. She would have been unemployed and virtually destitute. There was no way she could have managed without help.

Now I spoke to his son, my step brother and he was convinced that had his father known he would have taken care of his responsibility. When I finally found and met my father all those years ago he certainly expressed the same sentiment. BUT –  after I met him I waited for 2 and a half years for him to call. He never did, and then he died and it was too late.

So what is the truth? Well I may never get the answers I’m looking for, which rankles. Being a seeker of truth has always been part of my intrinsic nature. As hard as it is, I understand that I have to concentrate on creating new truths now that I have found, met and fallen in love with my new/old family.

But between you, me and the dandelions, I must say that I am heartsore, truly.

I am going to honour myself by no longer making excuses for a father who even without the contents of this file has already hurt me so badly. I am no longer going to forget how I refused to go out on my birthday or Christmas for 2 years after I found him in case he called. I am not going to pretend that he died before he had the time to form a relationship with me.

I’m going to allow myself the fullness of my rage and despair and vent until I’ve burnt off the worst of it. I don’t do well with long-term hate, so I know that forgiveness will slide through when I’m done.

The one good thing is that since I’m actually officially two people, I get to be pissed off twice as much.

Works for me……

and works for me too……..

 
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Posted by on August 25, 2013 in Adoption Journey

 

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Nature and a Hail of Bullets

rare_white_lion_hunting_Wallpaper__yvt2.jpgIf you have enough money and status you can kill just

about anything, legally or otherwise. Man is the worlds destroyer, this we’ve always known, but surely as we barrel headfirst into global warming and the extinction of endangered species we can finally put on the brakes and exercise restraint?

Clearly not!

A friend of mine recently posted a picture from a hunting safari website showing an elephant that had been slaughtered while eating (leaves still hanging from it’s mouth), and the proud family crouched over it’s corpse for their photo op.

Shame on you!

If that wasn’t bad enough, scrolling further there were pics of dead lions too, including white lions!

Are you people out of your minds?

And for what purpose?
To feed and clothe your families?
To sustain your village?

No!

To satisfy your need for power and glee, to give your adrenalin a place to go when your lives aren’t interesting enough to stimulate you!

We accept that meat is part of the modern diet, it’s pointless to argue that point after so many centuries of burgers, roasts and barbeques. With that in mind one can say that to hunt to sustain life has certain merits, but not this. Tourists with large pockets of dough and a need for a good story are not valid reasons.

It’s not that I’m an earthy, tree hugger, bedecked in straw-woven necklaces, just a simple woman with a conscience.
I actually do understand the primal urge to hunt, I get the need to conquer and all the other great stuff that makes us morbidly mediocre as humans. But that’s just it – with all the education, all the proof of how fragile our planet has become, we no longer have a reason to accept this mediocrity, this utter failure as beings with higher consciousness.

In short – we know better!

The world is slowly consuming itself, or rather we, as people, are consuming it. Instant gratification is still, unbelievably, the driving force in humanity.

We are the guardians of the earth and we have failed dismally in this task.

The Universe was created on the principles of balance – night and day, good and bad etc. As humans we are tipping that balance, tempting nature.

One day the world is going to repay mankind for it’s abuses – by ceasing to exist, or creating an eco-system so uninhabitable that we ourselves become like animals. When that happens no amount of money in the world will save us!

Just a little something for our kids to look forward to….

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