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Monthly Archives: October 2013

South Africa: The ‘True Story’

funny1

The power of listening……

Well the recent troubles in South Africa only started after Philemon and George died prematurely after leaving the local shebeen.They had imbibed an ungodly amount of alcohol and were in the middle of a brilliant argument about the various uses for tyres when they were knocked over by an overloaded taxi.

When they got to heaven they continued arguing as though nothing had happened, ignoring all help and advice. In frustration JC finally gave up trying to find them gainful employment and sent them to Santa to help with his Christmas lists. (Santa unfortunately owed JC a few favours and had no choice in the matter really).

On arrival it was decided that they would work in the stock room, collecting all the presents requested on the Christmas lists. Unfortunately, unbeknown to well, everybody, George and Philemon were deaf as doorknobs…

The lists were no longer written but voice recorded in keeping with the times.

The first message to come through was from the ANC:

‘Hey George do you know what ANC stand for? do you, do you?’ guffawed Philemon.

ASSHOLES NEVER CAN! George shrieked with glee!

‘Right you are Georgie boy, right you are!’ Philemon chortled happily.

The ANC request was simple:

‘We want more fat in the bank’

‘Coming right up,’ said Philemon and went off to the back of the factory to fetch a wheel of gorgonzola.

‘Now be careful Philemon’, said George, ‘those rats are feisty, just throw the cheese in the number 2 chute and jump out of the way quickly’.

a 100 000 rats suddenly came barreling out nowhere and jumped straight in the chute.

‘We did it!’ yelled Philemon, ‘More Rats in the Ranks! High five Georgie Boy!’

Pleased as punch they pressed ‘The Button’ for the next message.

It was from COPE

Make COPE To Be In Charge’

‘Hmmmm’, thought George, ‘Good idea!’ and off he ran to make a call.

Before long there was a knock at the door. As George opened it an aromatic cloud of smoke billowed in.

‘Hello Bob, thanks for coming to help’, Philemon and George both chorused happily.

‘No problem mon, I be born to help, Jah rule yeah!’

‘So how much you be wanting then? asked Bob, ‘I be having 25 bales of the godly green mon. It be irie to give it all’.

‘Great’ said George, ‘ just pop in down the number 10 chute if you please’.

‘No problem brother, Babylon bwoys are gonna be too busy with the bubble to politrick after this!’

Make Dope To Be Large, Yippee! another happy customer,’ they yelled. Feeling puffed up with success they decided to process one more order for the day.

The last message was from Helen Zille at the DA

‘Suprise me! I’d like a large amount of blue to adorn my offices with.’

‘Easy, Peasy!’, they both exclaimed.

Philemon and George clapped their hands in excitement and dashed off to the nearest porta potty…

Oh shit, said Bob this not gonna be irie…………

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ANC Comrade Handbook


anc bedtime story

Dear Comrades

It has come to our attention that some members of the Majestic ANC are ill eqipped to perform the tasks set out by our esteemed leaders.

Without this cohesion our party will crumble to dust!!!

The following must be carried at all times, by all comrades:

1. ANC T-shirts – Please be advised – the representation of our party is diminished when our comrades enter into the political arena without the proper dress.

Yellow ANC sloganed shirts ONLY.

NB!!! No blue may be allowed at any time, for any reason, red is also not good.

2. Government sticks (we have found that knocking flint together to set fire to tyres is far too time consuming).

3. Sjamboks – throwing stones may only be permitted if one has proven oneself (before a high ranking party member) to have superb aim – all others must use sjamboks!

3. Pangas – they can’t do ballistics testing on them – ha ha ha!

4. Porta Potty buckets – this is perhaps the most important item. Please ensure that you have taken the time to completely fill your bucket before arriving for duty. NB! Both body fluids are required. Any comrade found slacking in this area WILL be disciplined!

Following the above rules are vital.

Remember comrades, our party has been chosen by God Himself – would God send his angels to war without their wings?

We think not.

Should any of you die, or kill, while on duty, be advised that heaven grants favours to your family for generations to come.The ancestors will be happy too.

Please Note: death by accident NOT applicable

And lastly, because we understand that you are working hard for the cause, we will ensure that all comrades who are correctly attired and equipped, will each receive a box of chicken and 500ml coke at the end of shift (which will be deducted from the housing and development fund of your choice).

Strength in our superioritee

Comrade Chancellor

porta potty

that is NOT cooldrink……and why is it green?

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2013 in South Africa - Lost or Found?

 

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The Wisdom of Fat Bob

The Wisdom of Fat Bob

The Wisdom of Fat Bob

It was Hot, very hot and ‘The Dudes’ had found a lovely puddle to play in.

Just as they were getting their cool on there was an almighty splash as Fat Bob jumped right in the middle of the puddle.

‘Why do you always have to do that?’ grumbled The Dudes.

‘It’s fun and the water tickles better that way’, he replied.

‘You’re so fat and stupid’ they said glaring at him. ‘Been grubbing food from the tourists again? One day they’re gonna eat you!’

‘I’m not fat, I’m well-rounded and tourists don’t eat pigeon.’

‘Well if the tourists don’t get you, those speeding cars will. Why do you always fly around madly, you know it’s not safe. You should stay close to the park like we do’.

‘That’s silly,’ Bob said beginning to chuckle.

‘Why? Why? Why?’ they cooed at him with contempt.

‘Well he said, do you know the last thing that will go through my mind if I get hit by a car?’ (by now he was really struggling to contain himself).

‘MY BUTT!’, he shrieked with laughter

‘If I get hit I won’t know about it anyway, so I may as well just enjoy myself while I can’.

You’re a fool!’ Be safe, always be safe, that’s the only way to be’, they chorused.

‘Oh shit you lot will never understand’, he said as he took off flying in wild circles, rejoicing in the breeze that caressed his wings.

You’re a rude and foolish bird Bob!’ they all screamed, ‘you never  show the slightest amount of decency or wisdom, you think only of yourself!’

‘You’re wrong in that, and I can even prove it!’ said Bob as he swooped down above them.

‘Really what pearls of wisdom does your idiot self now have to offer before you fly into a tree’, they said laughing at their cleverness.

‘There’s a cat behind you…….’

‘Oh Shit!………..’

 

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2013 in Strings of Sentences

 

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‘Round Here…….

Malema01

Previously in South Africa, Julius Malema used to head the ANC Youth League, but behaved so badly he got thrown out. He has now started a new party in direct opposition to the ANC called the Economic Freedom Fighters – EFF for short.

He says many things, which of course WE all take out of context, because after all he’s a ‘man of the people’.

When he belonged to the ANC he used to sing ‘Kill the Boer’ songs along with Zuma. They claimed that they weren’t encouraging violence against the whites, just singing their old struggle songs while remembering the past.

Julius, now after just a few short months of EFF – f-ing has already got thousands of followers who are dirt poor but are somehow still spending great globs of money on ‘killing banners’.

The EFF of course says that the banners don’t promote the killing of the whites but rather equality. ( It should be said that one of the banners read ‘Kill them like they killed us’, but the EFF said that wasn’t a sanctioned banner….)

Malema constantly screams about white owned business and land. He wants it taken from the whites and given back to the people. He also says denies advocating violence against the whites.

It’s all very confusing.

His followers however, don’t seem to be hazy on the message. To them it seems clear – kill the whites, grab the land. What they don’t realise of course is that if there is land re-distribution it will be bought by the wealthy black man, not handed out freely to the poor. The whites may be forced to sell at reduced prices but the poor people are still not going to get their hands on it.

The desperate masses are still going to do all the dirty work for unscrupulous politicians who promise them the world. They are still going to be cold and hungry when those same politicians shake the hands of the Black diamond businessmen who will eventually own everything in this little piece of Africa.

It’s truly EFF – ing sad and if it gets any worse it may be truly EFF – ing deadly……

effhoneymoon is overkilling banner

 
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Posted by on October 24, 2013 in South Africa - Lost or Found?

 

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Stars, Bodyguards and Sneaky Pete’s

Katie Holmes And Suri Cruise

This was NOT taken by me at the restaurant but it’s a good one to use to illustrate this post

So last night I served Katie Holmes and Co. at the restaurant. They arrived unannounced and as they came in our manager was heard to say ‘Gee, she’s a dead ringer for Katie Holmes’, as she directed them to a table! (The poor honey is never gonna live that one down!)

I was asked to serve them because the younger waitresses were losing the plot, too terrified to go near them. After the initial shock of unexpected celebrities in my section, I went into my normal zen mode and things flowed easily.

and then the camera came out…..

Sitting diagonally across from them was a group of tourists with a camera, complete with big – ass lens. They were snapping away happily, wildly ignorant of the fact that Katie’s bodyguard was getting edgy, very edgy.

Being a ‘mature lass’ I noticed this lot happening, and while they were snapping away, he was watching them and I was watching him.

Said bodyguard started walking up and down the stairs checking them out and getting that look of thunder on his face. He eventually approached me with his concerns. I asked him if he wanted to speak to him and his reply was: ‘If I go there things are going to get ugly!’

Really dude, Really?

Enter yours truly. I was born with a face that can strip paint when pissed off, or so I’m told, so when I sweetly approached the other table and asked to see the pics and said that I was going to delete any that included table 27, they quickly agreed without complaint or asking for an explanation!

The chap had said that he was actually only trying to get the kitchen and didn’t realise that there were celebs at the table and judging from the pics he was quite possible telling the truth – who knows?

The end result was that Katie decided to call it quits and left soon afterwards.

I watched them with infinite sadness. There she was with, I must say an extremely well-behaved Suri, had probably been on location all day and desperately needing a little down time, and she was being chased out by cameras.

As a single mother I still dream of winning the lotto. I still crave luxury and ease, especially after a double shift when I’m too pooped to pop, but last night I had a huge ‘Aha Moment.’

I literally went home and thanked the Universe for my modest and simple life.

I was, for the first time in far too long, eternally grateful for the freedom and peace that my life brings. I rejoiced in the fact that at any time I fancied, I could grab my kids, walk on the beach, eat out, in fact do anything I chose, and no one would hound or harass me or mine.

You hear about the lack of privacy for the stars, but last night I saw it in action. It was only a small degree of what they are forced to tolerate, but it was enough. There lives might look all glitzy and glamorous but my goodness, the price they pay is truly unquantifiable.

My simple life is often hard, but it carries so many notes of peace and joy and freedom. After a small taste of someone else’s life, I know I’d rather have mine.

I was hugely suprised to realise that.

I’m practising gratitude again now, and for the first time in forever, it feels great!

Lucky me!

(P.S. Katie and Suri were a joy to serve, sweet girls, bless them!)

 
6 Comments

Posted by on October 23, 2013 in Strings of Sentences

 

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A Simple Letter

a21-wallpaper

Every parents nightmare is the disappearance of their child.

Every child’s nightmare is discovering they can’t trust their parents for their safety.

Add those two together and you begin to understand the desperate need for an organisation like the A21 campaign.

Slavery in the 21st century is such a mind-blowing concept, so inconceivable, but true. Human trafficking is rampant and the terrifying thing is that it’s not taking place in ‘some 3rd world country where the dummies don’t know better’, but is spreading like wildfire through some of the most influential countries on the planet.

Basically – it’s big business. Girls and boys are bought and sold like cattle, often by their own parents. Be it for sex, cheap labour or marriage, our children and young adults are disappearing.

A21 is one organisation that I came across that I really like. They work to educate at-risk sectors through education, they have built shelters to house the survivors and rehabilitate them, and they work closely with the victims and the police force to help bring the criminals to justice.

Now we all read about these organisations and basically wish them well and move on because after all, what the heck can we do?

Well I’m about to make your day!

A21 deals with PEOPLE – broken, terrified, spiritually exhausted PEOPLE.

These youngsters have more often than not never known kindness, so here’s where YOU come in.

Write a letter!

YES, A LETTER!

Most of you are bloggers, you can all write……..yes?

Good!

It’s the easiest thing in the world. All you moms and dads have spent a lifetime showing love, so now I challenge you to put your love and encouragement in a letter to be given to one of the survivors.

It doesn’t have to be fancy, you don’t have to pretend to relate to their suffering, you just have to stretch your words a little further than this blog. Your letters will encourage them and let them know they are loved, and just as importantly, your words will let them know that the world is not just a place of pain and darkness. It is also a place of love, compassion, healing, unity and joy.

A21 has made it easy for anyone to get involved in a variety of ways. I have taken the liberty of putting the link here to give you some ideas.

http://www.thea21campaign.org/content/21-ways-to-get-involved/gjf4co

I know your lives are busy and I’m not asking for a ‘Mother Theresa-type’ response, I’m just asking you all to extend what you do every day but to do it on paper and with a stamp.

Write a poem, write a spiritual quote, write a damn limerick, it doesn’t matter, just write.

The simplest words can mend the most broken hearts.

We are all poets and scribes here, so let’s all put our skills to work and do something that really matters.

If you are afraid to and don’t know what to say remember this:

When they open your letter from quite possibly the other side of the world, they will know that Someone took the Time to Care about Them.

You can’t buy or sell THAT kind of healing……..

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Posted by on October 9, 2013 in Strings of Sentences

 

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Stealing Time

Posted from WordPress for BlackBerry.

In answer to the reason for my literary silence:

Sometimes it is necessary to stand still in order to move forward.
Sometimes one must quiet the mind in order to think clearly.
Sometimes we must close our ears to be able to hear, and distance our hearts that we may truly feel again.

These and others, are lessons I used to live by.

I used to take the time to contemplate and to listen. I found my peace in the eye of the storm, and in previous years there were many.

It’s funny how life can pass you by while you’re so busy doing.

Funnier still how little we move forward when we’re so busy rushing around.

I have reached a point where I will either stagnate or realise the fullness of my dreams. I can either continue to make excuses for the utter mediocrity of my life or I can make use of the lessons I learned through the fire.

I paid an enormous price for those lessons – it seems a shame to waste them.

The. quickest way to speed up, is in fact to slow down.

So for now I tread quietly, and with care.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

I am by nature a creature of loud noises and bright colour, and when I’m ready to move forward you may just miss these days.

Till then..

 
4 Comments

Posted by on October 1, 2013 in Strings of Sentences

 
 
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