Monthly Archives: November 2013

I’m from Where?

I'm from where.....?

I’m from where…..?

Today after many months of waiting for my unabridged birth certificate I finally received the sms to tell me it was ready.

The walk that takes 15 minutes felt like 15 hours, because somehow I knew.

I had taken a chance applying for it and putting my natural parents details on it. I had never been registered by my adoptive family, so it was worth at least trying. I didn’t really think it would work – and it didn’t.

I hadn’t lied, I had been honest all the way through this process. I had explained my adoption, showed them all the paperwork and told them that I had found my family and wanted to have my biological parents on the birth certificate.

It was not to be.

The brain is a funny machine. Knowing what would probably happen, I should have been prepared, but I wasn’t, I was gutted. Seeing the adoptive parents listed as my natural mother and father just about did my head in.

On the way there a crazy guy covered in blood accosted me begging for money. I was NOT in the mood and growled at him to back off.

He shouted furiously: ‘ You haven’t even looked at me, how would you like it if nobody looked at you!’

If one believes in Universal signs, that would be a clear indication that I was not going to be heard and my request would be denied.

Of course now the confusion has deepened further because the paperwork says my ‘natural’ mother was born in Holland…

So I’m Dutch now?


Posted by on November 27, 2013 in Adoption Journey


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My New Blog


One of my paintings

Fancy a kinda newsy read?

Then hit my other blog:

It is newly started, but give it a trawl and keep an eye for future articles. They probably won’t be mainstream, rather a collection of events that are slightly off the beaten track, things that interest me personally, obviously.

My intention is to scour the edges and see what I can find.

So catch you there or here,


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Posted by on November 26, 2013 in Strings of Sentences


44 Chickens

The way ahead

The way ahead

It has occurred to me  a few (million times) times before, that I both need and want to find a new career.

I did everything backwards.

I had a fabulous job with the newspapapers at 18, and now at 44 I am a waitress.

Weird I know, but that’s life. I have earned more as a waitress than I did in an office and when you’ve managed to pop out two kids and still remain single, you need to find money fast.

So here I am with aching legs and a body that just doesn’t want to anymore. Don’t get me wrong – I’m strong as a ox and fit enough for pride, but the fact is that hitting doubles while running up and down 3 flights of stairs really has become too much.

So what does an old gal like me do?

The obvious answer would be to write. It is my all – consuming passion. But what and how, and are there really people out there who would be willing to overlook my obvious misuse of punctuation and grammar????!!!!……………see what I mean!

…….to say nothing of the fact that I seem to have misplaced a formal education….I know it’s here somewhere……..

Radical life change at 44? I wonder, is it arrogant to think that I could use my words to support myself when so many others have tried and failed?

I won’t know until I try……..pity my dog ate my homework, otherwise I would definately have submitted an article somewhere……..

Chicken anyone?









Posted by on November 25, 2013 in Strings of Sentences


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Vaporise me Baby!

My new electric ciggy

My new electric ciggy

So my eldest daughter, bless her, bought us both electric cigarettes to help us ditch smoking. No tar, just a little nicotine smoked through water vapour – lovely.

Smells nice, burns like a bastard, which is also nice – so we’ll see how this goes.

I can tell already that physically this can work – but ditching the rituals that have been set up over the years will be harder.

Go to balcony, light smoke, sip tea, stare into nothingness while contemplating universe. Finish half the tea, light second ciggy, keep staring at nothing……..

That’s just one ritual/routine that has been established around smoking. If I’m to survive this attempt I have to be creative and learn to fill those spaces that would normally be taken up with tea and cigs.

So for now my electric ciggy is my new dummy. It even comes with a lanyard so I can hang it around my neck. This is the first time ever that I have seriously considered giving up – it may actually work now that I don’t have to go cold. Once I’ve got over the head games with smoking I can change to non-nicotine flavours until I’m finally over the need to puff.

Having smokey dummy but no lung cancer-sounds like a plan I can live with. Until I’m fully committed I will allow myself an occassional ciggy to stave off the worst of my ‘tine denial rage’.

So watch this space – If I can do it, anyone can…….

And if I can’t….well anyone still can!


Posted by on November 25, 2013 in Strings of Sentences


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‘The Letter be Writ!’


Reaching for Heaven

It’s done! My first ever letter to my Mother!

My handwriting is positively revolting so I opted to type my first letter. I know that writing by hand is far more personal, and heaven knows this letter is, but I didn’t want my mother to struggle to read the very first thing I write.

I have procrastinated for days, agonising over what to say and tonight I sat quietly and wrote without the slightest strain.

I like to think that The Universe had a hand in tranquilising me long enough to complete it.

I kept it light and silly and loving and gentle. I was my infinite self through every word.

And was it a good letter?

Who knows? But it was my voice in type, so I guess it was good enough!

Now to find a stamp…..


Posted by on November 18, 2013 in Adoption Journey


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Here I am……

here I am - where are you?

here I am – where are you?

This past Friday my mother was finally told that I had been found.

Apart from giving birth this is certainly the most momentous occasion in my life to date. I don’t say this to negate the importance of the rest of my family, but just to emphasize that contact with a woman I have craved for the better part of 44 years quite frankly takes the cake!

When my sister and I found each other, she told me that our mother is mentally ill. The news was utterly devastating. My first reaction was selfish, of course. After a lifetime of waiting, I had finally found her, only to discover that she probably wouldn’t care.

After a while and many tears, I began to realise the suffering that she would have been forced to endure (being undiagnosed for many years), and the pain just cranked up further.

My Uncle Guitar Strings was the one that volunteered to go into the lions den and tell her the news.

Her reaction was immediate AND positive.

I didn’t expect that! I had just got used to the idea that she wouldn’t really be involved in my life and now I hear that she is waiting on tenterhooks for me to contact her!

I find myself feeling somewhat discombobulated. My mind had finally settled on a version of reality that seemed palatable, and now I find I have to throw everything out and dare to believe a newer and better version.

The picture of myself that I have used for this post is the clearest representation of how I’m feeling right now.

I am afraid and feeling lost.

Can I truly hope to dare that I might actually have a mother who loves me, albeit in between bouts of illness?

Do I really have the courage to open a heart that is so bruised and wary.

It was easier when I though she wouldn’t care, because then I didn’t have to.

As I’m writing this I am looking at my eldest daughter typing away on her laptop and bothering me for all sorts of arb stuff while I’m busy dealing with mind numbing heartache. It makes me smile.

It’s life: family, living and loving. We all come together, bounce off, come back – it’s normal. My mother just has to be given the leisure to do the same in my life. I’ve always wanted her in my world, but until the fear hit I didn’t know I had to allow it too! I didn’t realise that I would actively have to choose, I thought I had.

She keeps taking me by surprise. I tend to do that to people too. 

Now if I can only figure out what to write in my first letter…..






Posted by on November 18, 2013 in Adoption Journey


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