Here I am……

here I am - where are you?
here I am – where are you?

This past Friday my mother was finally told that I had been found.

Apart from giving birth this is certainly the most momentous occasion in my life to date. I don’t say this to negate the importance of the rest of my family, but just to emphasize that contact with a woman I have craved for the better part of 44 years quite frankly takes the cake!

When my sister and I found each other, she told me that our mother is mentally ill. The news was utterly devastating. My first reaction was selfish, of course. After a lifetime of waiting, I had finally found her, only to discover that she probably wouldn’t care.

After a while and many tears, I began to realise the suffering that she would have been forced to endure (being undiagnosed for many years), and the pain just cranked up further.

My Uncle Guitar Strings was the one that volunteered to go into the lions den and tell her the news.

Her reaction was immediate AND positive.

I didn’t expect that! I had just got used to the idea that she wouldn’t really be involved in my life and now I hear that she is waiting on tenterhooks for me to contact her!

I find myself feeling somewhat discombobulated. My mind had finally settled on a version of reality that seemed palatable, and now I find I have to throw everything out and dare to believe a newer and better version.

The picture of myself that I have used for this post is the clearest representation of how I’m feeling right now.

I am afraid and feeling lost.

Can I truly hope to dare that I might actually have a mother who loves me, albeit in between bouts of illness?

Do I really have the courage to open a heart that is so bruised and wary.

It was easier when I though she wouldn’t care, because then I didn’t have to.

As I’m writing this I am looking at my eldest daughter typing away on her laptop and bothering me for all sorts of arb stuff while I’m busy dealing with mind numbing heartache. It makes me smile.

It’s life: family, living and loving. We all come together, bounce off, come back – it’s normal. My mother just has to be given the leisure to do the same in my life. I’ve always wanted her in my world, but until the fear hit I didn’t know I had to allow it too! I didn’t realise that I would actively have to choose, I thought I had.

She keeps taking me by surprise. I tend to do that to people too. 

Now if I can only figure out what to write in my first letter…..

 

 

 

 

17 responses to “Here I am……”

  1. […] Finally to my last post. Whilst the other two posts were written by mothers about their children, this one is written by a blogger who has wished to know her mother for forty four years. She is the writer of the blog “Thingsgobumpinmymind”. In this post which “Freshly Impressed” me, she discovers she not only has a mother, but one who wants to meet her. The post is called most appropriately “Here I am”. […]

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  2. I do a regular post called “Freshly Impressed” I was wondering if you would be okay with me picking this post to feature on it.
    I also wonder how you are getting on?

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  3. This is such an amazing story. I’m sure you have butterflies by the thousands. I reached my biological father last year. It had been 30 years. I had to use the phone, so it may have been easier to force those first words out. The two of you share a bond no matter how many years it has been, so your letter should relate to her perfectly. Thank you for sharing this. 🙂

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  4. Wow. What a topsy turvy time in your life. So many different emotions must be buzzing through your head. I can’t even imagine. I hope you are happy with whatever you write in your letter, and that in time you can get to know each other.

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  5. I’m actually very excited for you. After all this time. And I suppose realising that she is probably feeling just as ‘all over the place’ as you are, you can now actually put pen to paper. The reality is a different thing than just imagining doing it. And because your (and her), emotions are bouncing around you may be afraid of saying something that hurts (unintentionally or not), or even being rejected in some way. Don’t forget, it is in these times that we are afraid of being hurt and we can say some crazy things because of that fear. You or your mum, so don’t take it to heart. This will take time to get used to, just as you get used to someone new, with all their beliefs and idiosyncrasies that make up who they are, don’t put any expectations on it or you may be disappointed. Just start with your truth, in how you really feel. Not in a way of anger or accusation but with the truth of who and what you now are, and let her begin to get used to a daughter again who will now have meaning in her life. If you do it with your truth you will be happy within yourself regardless of the outcome and it will build a confidence in you because of that. Good luck, I hope it will be a meeting that will bring the love that it deserves. Love, light and blessings to your journey. Mark

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